What do you get if you cross two cows, a green bucket, an unfit overweight mother of 4 and an electric fence together? MAYHEM THATS WHAT.
My beloved soon to be mince meat cow Sunday Roast and her accomplice Lotsa have just given me hell. Sunday broke through our fence (yet again) into the common next door. I tried to get her out but no she wouldn't move.
So i ring the hubby who tells me to try again and take some grapefruit with me and coax her out. Little old me runs out with a green bucket (STUPID MOVE NUMBER 1) gets a few grapefruit and heads over our paddock and tries again. After about 10 minutes of me calling Sunday every name imaginable, she finally decides to come along and play nice. Through the gate with out a hitch and has a rub and a grapefruit for being good (STUPID MOVE NUMBER 2).
Now just to clarify so i don't look like a wimp, this cow is taller then me and is so fat it is scarey, plus she has the added bonus of two large horns. Well i gave Lotsa a grapefruit too as she had been the nice cow and hadn't gone out into another paddock (STUPID MOVE NUMBER 3). This of course meant i had no more grapefruit to give Sunday.
Sunday now associates the bucket with food..... can you see where i am going here with this. I turned my back and started heading back to the house yard gate about 100mtrs away, (small gate with an electic fence wire across it that you have to duck right under to get through or do a high jump to get over.
Of course i am swinging the bucket as i am proud of getting her back (STUPID MOVE NUMBER 4). Next thing i hear this thumping as Sunday comes bowling over to get more food. I spin around and yell at her and wave the bucket like mad to make her stop and low and behold she does.
Feeling pretty confident now that i am a cow whisperer i turned and with my chest out and my head held high stroll to about 2mtrs from the gate. Once again i start to hear the thumping noise. Not only was Sunday charging with horns down but Lotsa had joined the crusade. I screamed at them, waved the bucket like mad but did they stop no. They continued to charge at me.
In my confusion as to why they didn't stop (after all i was the great cow whisperer now), i paniced (STUPID MISTAKE NUMBER 5) and ran towards the gate. Having no time to sqaut right down under the electric fence i did a complete dive, bucket and all straight onto my gut and boobs (STUPID MISTAKE NUMBER 6). Now if you are a woman you will truly understand the pain of doing this to your boobs. NOT NICE.
Sunday stopped just at the wire, mooed at me and then snorted as though she was as proud as punch. Lotsa just walked away and didn't really care. So there i am laying on the ground face first unable to breath as i am sure i just spewed my lungs up thinking "wait til i get my hands on my hubby".
Hubby gets a phone call from a very irrate me and is given the options of
1. CUT THAT BLOODY COWS LEGS OFF
2. CUT HER BLOODY HORNS OFF
3. FIX YOUR STUPID BLOODY FENCES SUNNY JIM cause this little fat duck aint going to be playing with the cows no more. (WISE MOVE NUMBER 1).
Anyway to sum it all up. My nipples hit my back bone, my ribs feel as though i have broken them, and i am soooooooooo over cows.